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By: Hannah Ahn

You can’t escape it. It’s everywhere you go: in the supermarket, in the dentist’s chair, blasting full-force anytime you turn on the radio. From November 1st to December 25th, only three things can be certain: death, taxes, and that you’ll hear at least one Christmas song every twenty-four hours. We went around and asked MRHS students which songs they’re filling their playlists with this winter season, and which ones they’re hoping to avoid yearlong. 

Worst: 

3. Last Christmas 

Performed by Wham!, this famous Christmas song features sensitive crooning, recalling how last year, the narrator’s heart was broken by an inconsiderate lover. The famous lyrics go, “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away.” Throughout the rest of the song, the narrator goes back and forth on whether or not to reconcile, as senior Jaidyn Augustine put it, “with his situationship.” Especially on a holiday so close to New Year’s resolutions, where people are striving to better themselves, the chords may strike a sore note with people who want to keep Christmas “the happiest time of the year”. 

2. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer  

There are certain aspects of American culture that are hard to explain to outsiders. Why, for example, is a small size here considered an extra large anywhere else? Why do we tip our servers, or have celebrities advertise pharmaceuticals? But there is perhaps no aspect of American culture more befuddling than this song, which describes a grandmother, drunk on eggnog, walking home before being run over by a reindeer. It’s harder to tell which implication of the song is the darkest: that Santa has committed a hit-and-run, that reindeers are homicidal beasts, or that Grandpa seems unfazed by his new widower status, and to him, playing cards and drinking beer with Cousin Mel might make for a happier Christmas than he’s enjoyed in a long time. Senior Mackenzie Johnson opines that to her, the fact that the narrator still accepts his presents at the end feels like “accepting blood money.” Blood presents, indeed. 

1. I Want A Hippotamus for Christmas 

This song’s narrative content may be banal, but something about it triggers deep-seated, unexplainable rage in many seniors. Senior Ruhhe Biruk says that this rage comes from “singing it half a million times in middle school choir.” Senior Jaidyn Augustine says, “Where would they even put the hippo? If you put him in a two-car garage, where do the cars go?” Indeed, it’s the kind of song that, as you get older and you listen to the lyrics, brings up befuddling logistical questions. Senior Mackenzie Johnson says, “The kid is such a brat. I can list off a lot of things I would be happy with for Christmas, and a hippopotamus doesn’t even rank near the top five hundred.” 

Best:

3. All I Want For Christmas is You 

It is a bold and daring, even blasphemous choice to list Mariah Carey’s epochal song as simply merely “Third Best” on a Christmas song list. Other lists, belonging to publications of a poorer quality like Rolling Stones or Billboard, may yield to popular opinion and feel forced into placing this song at the very top. Lucky for our readers, The Stallion is not so easily cornered. Yes, we’ve said it. “All I Want For Christmas is You” is just okay. Senior Mackenzie Johnson says, “Yeah, I mean, it’s a nice song. But it’s been chemically engineered into being perfect for Christmas. There’s no soul.” Senior Jaidyn Augustine says, “Every time I hear it, I almost get fight-or-flight. I start tasting nutmeg and gingerbread in my throat. It’s like, too Christmas-y, you know what I mean?” 

2. Santa Tell Me 

Readers may be slightly unfamiliar with this pick, which only began gracing radio stations in 2014. But the poppy, yet distinctly still Christmas-like melody means that it puts a new twist on Christmas music, traveling over familiar subjects like mistletoes and young romance without boring its listeners. “I get tired of Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra and listening to old guys,” says senior Ruhhe Biruk. Ariana Grande proves that innovation can still occur in holiday music, and that sometimes, a refresh is just what’s needed to get back to the spirit of Christmas.

3. Silent Night 

People often discuss the “heart of Christmas”. Christmas, for all of its fanfare and mass-consumerism, its talk of decorating Christmas trees and frosting cookies, has always been a holiday with something holy at the center. No song quite encapsulates this feeling as fully as “Silent Night”. Senior Jaidyn Augustine says, “The scene where they sing it in Home Alone is so beautiful.” Reader, have you ever stood in the middle of a crowd, listening to a choir of children singing “Silent Night” slightly off-pitch? It is an experience maybe unlike any other. There is nothing that would make me happier this Christmas than getting to experience that, except for maybe winning my multimillion-dollar lawsuit against Mr. Claus for his alleged involvement in my wife’s mysterious death. In lieu of that, I guess a hippopotamus will do, too.